How much should you share about your battle with breast cancer? In many ways (nearly all), that's a really dumb question. Of course it's important for you to share with others what you are going through. It's not good to keep that stuff buried inside. Now, I respect everyone's privacy and their own decisions about what to share and not to share. Each of us has a "comfort meter" that tells us when we might be too far out there, or holding too much in.
My wife says I sure like to talk a lot. I like to be an open person. Not to whine about every little raindrop that might come down on my picnic. But it's important to me to share enough with family, friends, co-workers and even business partners about what's going on in our lives. Too many "life questions" we ask each other, like How are you?, are answered with hollow responses like fine or okay. So why not open up, even just a little bit more than blowing off a good question when someone asks about how you are doing. You don't have to give them the War and Peace edition, just answer with enough so folks know you are being real and actually care they asked about your, your spouse or family.
When your spouse has breast cancer, people are going to ask about it. They ask how is your wife, often times because they don't know what else to say or do. I usually have my "quick update" answer ready to give. "She's in the beginning of chemo treatments and starting to feel some of the side effects. If she loses her hair, I'm looking forward to giving her smooches on the head and a good head rub now and then. And she asked me to thank you for the cards and phone calls. People reaching out to her really means a lot. Please continue to do that." Something like that. It's a heck of a lot better than yet another "fine" comeback. If things were fine, my wife wouldn't have breast cancer.
One really hard part is how much do I talk with my wife about breast cancer. I don't want to be talking about it all the time, I'd like her to be able to take a break from thinking about breast cancer once in a while. But avoid the topic and it feels like I'm not supporting her, or that I'm in denial. I think this is a much harder balance to achieve. Sometimes I talk too much about it, and sometimes not enough. I think we use each other as a gauge for when and how much to focus on breast cancer. I know that she protects me a lot by not "over discussing" it. I guess the bottom line is, I want to talk about it as much as she needs to talk about breast cancer.
Both of us get tremendous support from our family, friends, work and our church. I can't imagine facing any significant battle without support from them, and we really have some giving and supportive people enriching our lives. I think that's why I'm more open about battling breast cancer, knowing what a strong support group we have. That network extends to people I work with too. Brad Feld, a strong friend and investor in companies I've been a part of, just blogged about BreastCancerForHusbands. He's also a key person behind TechStars, where I get to mentor other entrepreneurs... something I really enjoy doing but don't always have enough time to do. I also had the CEO of one of the companies I advise call the other night, not to talk about her company, but to ask how my wife is doing. We didn't even talk about work on that call. My friend and podcasting buddy, Alan Shimel, is always checking in to see how I'm doing too. Those are just a few of the people I have in my support network, and there are literally dozens, even hundreds more when you count our local church congregation and pastoral team.
Probably the biggest question I have is how much do I talk about here on BreastCancerForHusbands? I don't want to say so much that I make my wife uncomfortable. I want to respect her privacy, so I haven't blogged about the details of what she's going through or the day-to-day dealings with breast cancer. But then again, that's okay because this blog isn't a diary about her. This is about what breast cancer husbands deal with. And knowing how much to say is one of those things we husbands have to decided. I hope you'll bear with me as I discover those answers for myself.
Thanks to EVERYONE who's offered their concern, thoughts and prayers. You are a huge part of battling breast cancer.
